do you ever have one of those days where you just start thinking about your future and the things you've regretted doing and not doing in the past? i'm having one of those days today.
i've not been sleeping well recently and that always makes me depressed, and when i am depressed i start thinking about things and get this overwhelming sensation of loneliness, that everyone but me is getting on with their life and out having a good time. so i've been thinking about my past, or more precisely the lack of it. no i haven't suddenly come down with amnesia and can't remember anything further back than this morning, i just don't haven't done that much that's worth remembering. there are a few good memories and enjoyable things i've done, but there seems to be lots of empty space between them all with bad memories scattered around between them.
all this makes me worry about what's going to happen in the future, i'm 25 this year and i'm still living at home, i have no real friends, i've never been in a relationship, i haven't had a job since just before i was 18 so i have no money. usually this would be the point where somebody puts that there's so much they want to do, but if i'm honest there really isn't that much i want to do, there's so little i want from life right now i can't help but wonder if that's been my problem all along.
i have no real ambitions, no dreams (they're more like daydreams) beyond falling in love, getting married and having kids. but i'm not really doing anything about it. okay so it is kind of hard when you're agoraphobic and have social anxiety disorder to just step out into the world and try make something of your life, but the thing is i wasn't always agoraphobic and i was always more shy than anxious about being around people, but i never did anything back then and it's left me with this deep seeded feeling of self-loathing and the frightening realisation that somehow it's all my own fault that life just isn't working out for me.
now don't get me wrong, this isn't some kind of cry for pity, help or even a suicide note or me trying to say don't make the same mistakes that i have, get on with your life and be happy. i like being alive, the alternatives aren't really that appealing to me. and i need pity like i need things i don't need that much, and most of all i know that none but myself can help me turn my life around, but i'm wondering if it's getting too late for me, i know 24 isn't exactly old and that i still have lots of time to do things, i just don't know what to do and am afraid that by the time i do it'll be too late to do them.
well hopefully reading all this hasn't depressed you, it's actually made me feel a bit better talking about it. although it would be a lot nicer talking to somebody in person (or atleast vocally) about it, and i don't mean a psychiatrist or some other so called and self-appointed expert who's job it is to listen to that kind of thing, i mean a real person. anyone.
-c